Sounders need to field All-Robot team

Two games. No goals. No wins.

Should the Sounders panic? No. But it’s becoming evident the current strike force — led by human Fredy Montero – lacks some lethality. Some have suggested Diego Forlan as a possible target. But why set sights so low?

Maybe it’s time we look at the deadliest force known to man: Robots. That’s right. The time has come to field an all-robotic starting XI.

Robots would give the club that extra push they need to start scoring goals and winning games.

I’m not ruling out the human element completely. Perhaps a man-machine hybrid could work, for less than the price of a mechanized roster. Robo-Montero could provide the cold, calculating, clinical finisher Sounders fans demand.

The Sounders need someone big—like 20 feet tall big—like made from a combination of carbon fiber and alloy steel big—like running on a Stark-built nuclear core big. Someone like a robot.

Or a creature of a similar caliber. (Panthers? Gorillas? Highly-trained Dolphins?)

Can they afford it? Probably yes. Robots don’t count against the salary cap.

Can they do it? Probably yes. The Pacific Northwest’s robotic industry is one of the finest in the world. Robots currently assemble airplanes at Boeing plants. Who is to say they can’t assemble scintillating one-twos and wondrous volleys?

Seattle’s current strikers, including Nate Jaqua and O’Brian White, struggle from the fact that their human tissues accumulate fatigue. They also do not have any razor saw or laser capabilities. Instead, they have emotion.

Bottom line is this. We all know sports are headed toward a Cyberball-like future. If you can conduct performance-enhancing surgeries or implant ligaments harvested from cadavers into athletes’ knees then a little AI is not too far off. We already know the Sounders have experimented with the undead in seasons’ past. The question is where Seattle is serious about winning MLS Cup.

Today, they don’t stand a chance. Unless, of course, they robot up.

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